Gory Girl Blog

That's All

Do you ever have a day when nothing exactly happened to put you in a bad mood but you just are? Well, that was me today, just pissed off for no good reason.

Went to trapeze class and the entire class was spent figuring out this or that, which was annoying, then I went home to have a little bite to eat and the turkey I planned to enjoy had gone bad. So I had to spat that out, said 'fuck it' and starved... Then I went to check my email and I have scores of questions from ebay buyers and I'm sorry, but they were stupid questions like "what kind of satin is it?" and "is it real?".

I do get that I have no rating yet, so people don't know me from Adam and don't want to bid on fake shit but I can't engrave a shoe with cursive Louboutin...so common sense would say that it's a real fricken shoe.

After all was said and done I haven't sold a damn thing and it's been scores of aggravation just putting the damn stuff up. I am chalking it up to me being in a bad mood and maybe not knowing the ins and outs of ebay so I'm not throwing in the ebay towel just yet.

Then I get home to tape up my new trapeze bar and realize that if I'm 5ft 1 and my ropes are 6ft long, that doesn't give me much room to navigate on the ropes - DUH!!! That was a fuck up, I will end up using it but still it's a whole new thing to get used to...Then I sneezed and pulled a muscle in my neck - so now I can only turn my head half way, this, along with the fact that the top of my foot is damaged from slamming down and hanging from it, is a pain in ass!.

On the brighter side today (cause I weigh both aggravating and good stuff up to be fair!), I organized things with my Halloween Party Planner and the show performers, so that's all set (yes, it's early but I like things perfect). So, as of April I will really be sorting through the details of everything.

All my kids are doing good and my baby has a birthday soon so tomorrow is a trip to Disneyland and that's the happiest place in California, at least I have that to look forward to.

I do realize that I don't really have anything to complain about and people in this world are going through some stuff that I couldn't imagine. However, I still hate to be annoyed. My poor husband on his 5 mile walk today saw a small dog panting in the car and couldn't find the owner so he did the right thing by calling Dispatch and they had no interest - next, he called Animal Control and that bitch said "Well it's not very hot out" - don't forget you add 20 degrees in a locked car making it 85 degrees - so he got nowhere with that. Finally, he tried calling the number on the tag, there was no answer, so that was really annoying.

I'm sure next time he will break a window like he did one summer in Vegas filling the mans truck with 3 bags of ice.

Yep, that's how the Zuikers roll when you lock your pet in a car with no air...

All in all, it was just a cluster fuck of a day and without any real good reason. Tomorrow is going to be a happy day and I am going to be in a good mood if it kills me.

I'll keep you posted and feel free to help me out with some guest blogs, I love to hear everyone else vent so I don't feel like such a tool!

Oscar Madness

Last night was Oscar night and many of the films that won the prized golden statue were well deserved and the rest - well, the rest I can't have an opinion on due to the fact I have not seen them. There were surprises here and there but I was whole heartedly moved by the winners and the speeches they presented.

Congratulations to all the nominees on their award worthy performances.

And the winners are....

Best Picture

The Hurt Locker

Best Actor

Jeff Bridges (Crazy Heart)

Best Supporting Actor

Christoph Waltz (Inglorious Basterds)

Best Actress

Sandra Bullock (The Blind Side)

Best Supporting Actress

Mo'Nique (Precious)

Animated Film

Up

Art Direction

Avatar

Cinematography

Avatar

Costume Design

Sandy Powell (Young Victoria)

Best Director

Katheyn Bigelow (The Hurt Locker)

Documentary

The Cove

Editing

The Hurt Locker

Makeup

Star Trek

Music (Score)

Up

Music (Song)

Crazy Heart - The Weary kind

Sound Mixing

The Hurt Locker

Sound Mixing

The Hurt Locker

Visual Effects

Avatar

Writing (Adapting)

Precious

Writing (Original)

The Hurt Locker

Now for the Best Dressed of the night!!!!

Sandra Bullock looked gorge in her Golden gown.

Zoe Saldana In Givency Houte Couture.

Cameron Diaz in Oscar de la Renta - Dazzling!

Carey Mulligan in Prada, modern and cutting edge.

Maggie Gyllenhaal in Dries van Noten. This was a stunning print and looked great on her thin frame. Chic!

Rachel McAdams in Elie Saab Houte Couture.

Sigourney Weaver in Lanvin - I loved the color and the shoulder on this red gown.

Tom Ford - As if any man could have even tried to out dress him. Delish!

Big Misses!!!!

Sarah Jessica Parker in Chanel - yucky color and her hair was a hot mess!

Penelope Cruz in Donna Karen - way too much pleating, it actually made her look large.

Vera Farmiga in Machesa - a ruffle extravaganza and not in a good way, plus hot pink was way 2008.

Jennifer Lopez - I half liked this but I'm just not sure about the 'origami thing' erupting from her hip!

Mariah Carey - top heavy and waaaaay too much leg - HOUCHY!

Charlize Theron - I love her but what's with the 'boob rose' thingys, It's not very appealing...

Kathryn Bigelow - were those sequin hearts on her boobs????

Senioritis

Graduation is approaching. Like the light at the end of a tunnel, it is in arms distance. Of course, since its arrival is approaching rapidly, my mind is scattered into a 1,000 places. And coffee ain't helping.

I am a senior with a full schedule. Six periods. 8 am until 3pm. My face is either stuck in a text book, jotting down notes like a hurricane, or trying impress the 11th graders with my knowledge from the previous year while re-taking the class. In some cases, they actually know more. How can that be?!

I screwed up big time my first three years of high school. You're senior year, they call it Senioritis. Your freshman, sophomore and junior year? They call it being a dumbass. Instead of focusing on the studies I was too busy being the kid who slacked off, didn't focus, and was just being plain lazy. This bit me in the ass every summer when I was sitting in a summer school class instead of soaking up the sun at the beach or playing Marco Polo in the pool. Instead of taking the two semester courses every summer, I decided to drop out second semester and take the course the following year. This made for a grueling schedule as it did not allow for a cool elective such as 'pottery class' or you know, 'typing skills.'

So. Here I am, 50 days away from graduating and I am finally on track. Ready to graduate with my class. What a awesome freaking feeling it is. Ready to see what life adventures are ahead of me and all be damned, lesson learned: homework comes first! ;)

Parking Nazi

The day started off great and I had a plan for the day. Wednesday is always my standing lunch date with my LABFF and a day of seeing what's new on the rack of some of my favorite designer stores.

So, I head off to Rodeo to check out the newly opened Missoni store and as luck would have it I found a meter right outside. I stuck a few quarters in and got 23 min for my last 75 cents - off I went. After about 20 min I knew I had to go back before the meter ran out due to the fact that I always seem to get a ticket the minute it flashes expired...so I make my way back and see that I had a few minutes left but not enough time to walk all the way down to Gucci. I then decided to drive over the road and park behind Dolce and Gabanna.

Dolce has a very small limited parking area directly behind the store, so I head off and when I get there there is one spot but the car in front of me that was parked hadn't pulled up all the way... it was going to be a tight fit!

I figured I would pull in as close as I could being that I was only going to be a few minutes.

I walked in to the store to see if any of my Spring pieces had come in and 2 minutes later a woman comes in and says that I was getting a ticket.

I say to myself, WTF I'm in a private parking spot how could I possibly be getting a fucking ticket? I go outside to see what the problem is and low and behold there is a parking Nazi there with his little fucking machine. I ask him what the issue is and he said "you're blocking the alley", I said "your kidding me, my bumper is an inch at most over the line, nothing is blocked".

He told me my bumper was over the red line and I pointed out the big truck PARKED IN THE ALLEY - he said he was only unloading. SO I told him "so am I, I'm unloading a dress". He said he didn't see that. I then told him that I would move it up as far as I could and asked if I moved it, would I still receive a ticket..."Yeah" he says. I told him to fuck it then and started walking back in the store.

He then said that he was going to call and have me towed, I said "you cant be serious, my bumper is not even over the line?". I said, "couldn't you just TELL ME so I could have moved it?" and he replied "well I am not going to go looking for you, I didn't know where you went" - then I looked over at the BIG ASS DOLCE AND GABANNA SIGN in front of my car with a door right next to it and I said to him "well common sense would tell you I'm in the store that I parked at" and I know the fucker watched me go in there, he had to being I was only inside for 2 min before his sorry ass came to ticket my car.

As I stand there waiting for my ticket, I am waiting for the manager of Dolce to say "oh don't worry we will take care of the ticket" (being that I spend a fortune in there) but she says nothing so now I'm pissed off as all hell and decide to get in my car and leave with my $90 ticket.

The funny thing is, if I would have just let the meter run out the ticket would have only been $35. That's how sucky my parking luck is.

I HATE the CA parking NAZIs in this town and they are everywhere. I had to then call my husband and explain why it was that I received yet another parking ticket. Oh the joys of parking...

The day at this point was a wash out and my mood sucked, so I knew shopping was no longer an option and I headed to the Chateau Marmont, where my LA BFF had a Bellini ready and waiting for me.

I must say that was the best damn Bellini I have ever had!

Humane

Tonight I saw on the news that they had arrested a woman for selling sick puppies on a street corner. She was a white woman in her 40's and she is the type that you would see in a market and not pay much attention to. I was sickened when they showed all the different dogs she was breeding and the fact that they were not being taken care of very well.

I try to think that for the most part people are good but I keep finding out that more and more people have no respect for animals in general and it saddens me. If it's not the whack jobs that hunt animals like the prairie dog for fun, calling themselves something stupid like the 'Red Cloud Club' then it's a fricking person making a make shift breeding ground to make a buck.

Then there is the Mike Vics of the world who think its sport to pit them against each other...

These people secretly walk among us and we would never know the difference and that's a shame. There is not enough being done to stop this kind of behavior but I can't see what its going to take.

This is just common sense, but to me if you kill an animal or mistreat an animal you don't have much value for life and that worries me. That to me says that there is a possibility that the odds that you will do something to a person will rise greatly. There have been studies showing that most murderers started out by killing and torturing animals. So yeah, I get concerned when I see people caught doing this get a slap on the wrist and a warning. It's like a ticking time bomb and eventually it will go off.

The sad thing is that dogs only want in life is to be fed and pet. THATS IT. Even when you treat them like shit they still love you. All the wild animals that get shot with big ass guns for no reason, they too are just trying to go about their business of whatever it is they do.

Now I'm not a vegan and I do realize that some animals are bred for the purpose of food and what not and I am overall okay with that. Where it goes tits up for me is with the animals that are not bred for it. Like whaling, I mean really, do we really need to whale in this day and age? And the fact that we have a Hunting Channel and make it a sport. Sport would be them having a gun as well and see who gets shot first - or how about shooting them with paintballs? Why the need to stuff them and hang them in your living room? Do they really think it makes them look bad ass that they waited in the woods and shot a defenseless turkey or doe?

To me you look like dickless wimps.

This goes to all men and women that feel the need to hunt or abuse any sort of animal. I can only hope that one day there will be stiffer consequences for those who do this and those that say it's 'population control' - well population was just fine before, so that excuse should be the case for people.

We are the ones that are overpopulating to such a degree that the world is getting fucked up. Trust me, one day all the animals will have the last laugh.

Scary but true.

Fear

People tend to be afraid of a lot of things. I mean our lives are fraught with potential disaster on a daily basis. From the possibility of losing someone we love to the prospect of losing our own lives we take risks on a daily basis, simply by being alive.

Some people have irrational fears; monsters, aliens, the things horror movies are made of. Some people have uncontrollable fears like the type that manifest themselves through OCD, paranoia, and phobias. These are terrible disorders that truly limit the sufferer.

Some people are afraid of rational things; being robbed, raped, hit by a car... We are afraid of someone hurting our children, or our family. We are afraid of losing our jobs, making fools out of ourselves, being left alone with no one to love us. All of these fears and the degree to which we allow them to control our actions determine the path we take in life.

Now I personally don't like being afraid, and rebel that I am I don't want something like a fear to be able to dictate how I live my life. So I occasionally take risks. I like to do odd things like bungee jump, ride fast rides, surf, water ski (though I am terrible at it). I like to go tubing, want to go parasailing, love scuba diving, and ATVing. I may never do these things more than once, but I am compelled to try it because I feel I must. This is something that holds true to my emotional life as well. She I am naturally quite shy - a fall out from my childhood - so I have to force myself to go into an audition, stand up and give a speech, or speak up in the middle of a crowd. I could easily shy away from this stuff but I don't. I make myself do it because I refuse to live my life in fear.

Because of this I have a tough time understanding why people deny themselves the simple things that offer them the opportunity to live their life and experience it to the fullest, because they are afraid. Now I am not talking the about the kind of fear that is connected to some kind of pathology. I am talking your basic fears, the fears that control what we do and what we say - and can generally be overcome by reaching down deep and deciding to take a chance. Let me give you an example. I know someone who is so afraid of what other people think, because of this she doesn’t have a lot of friends, doesn't invite people over and apparently watches everything she says around everyone (except around her family). She also doesn't speak up when something in wrong, instead she plays "poor little me", which generally exacerbates the problem. I know someone else who is afraid to try new things, and as such is in a funk, and bemoans the fact that life isn’t what she wants it to be. To this I say... you decide your fate and make your choices. You decide what direction your life takes, so step up to the plate and take a chance. Go boarding, skydiving, or pick a fight. Speak up for yourself, and follow your desires, make a friend. Live dangerously... though intelligently, (so we don’t see you on 10,000 stupid ways to die). Conquer your fears and challenge yourself.

Precious Medals

Nothing excites me more than watching the Winter Olympics and this year has been no different. I have always been a little in awe of the dedication these athletes have to become this good at their selected sport.

There was the tragedy before it even began with the death of Georgian luger Nodar Kumaritashvili, who died from injuries after a high-speed crash during training in Whistler. He became only the fourth athlete ever to die at a Winter Games.

Then a week or so in to the games, Canadian figure skater Joannie Rochette came out and skated a brilliant short program only days after the sudden death of her mother - winning the Bronze medal.

There was the drama between 1st time downhill skiing Olympic gold medalist Lindsey Vonn and her team mate Julia Mancuso, who was in tears after she was stopped half way through her 1st run of the Giant Slalom due to an unfortunate crash by Vonn.

The high notes for me were watching Shaun White do his Mctwist after clenching the gold, The memorizing skating of Korean figure skater Kim Yu-Na, and the speed and precision of Apolo Ohno whose eight career Olympic medals are the most in U.S. Winter Games history.

Overall America walked away with 37 medals, 9 gold, 15 Silver and 13 bronze. I am sad to see the games come to a close, it is amazing to watch people so pumped up for their sport and country.

The coverage of the games was a bit on the annoying side being that NBC dragged on the coverage of certain more popular events until the very end (sometimes until 11.30pm) knowing that you would be slave to the TV until the event you wanted to watch came on.

My Tivo was doing overtime being that I could only stay awake until about 9:30pm, so I ended up, like most people did, fast forwarding through all the fluff and ridiculous amounts of commercials. Still I am sure I will be there in 4 more years to sit through as many events as I can watch.

It was a great Olympics and now let the countdown begin for Summer 2012 in London, where the Summer games will be held. I am sure that I will be watching those as well. I hope that every one was proud of their athletes no matter what medals they ended up getting.

It's an amazingly hard road for these young athletes and I for one was proud of all of ours. Congratulations to all.

Be sure to let me know what Olympic events moved you and what athlete you loved watching in the forum.

Humdinger

I noticed today in the news that Hummer is being closed due to poor sales.

There was a time when they were, for some reason, the hottest selling SUV on the market. I for one fell in to that before the big Hummer boom. I was pregnant with my first baby and I wanted a safe car that was also big enough to tow my horse trailer.

So here I go down to the Hummer store to look at the trucks and this was way before the little Hummers on the road today. I looked and test drove this big bad ass, all steel, Military grade light baby blue hummer.

This was one of the Arnold big ass, 1st generation suckers too. It had a huge price tag but the salesman was able to give us a good deal and if we didn't like it, no problem, I can just bring it back. So we sign the paperwork and get it home.

Well it was a diesel fueled SUV, so getting gas was a pain in the ass because the only station was the truck stop. It had 2 gas tanks so it was a fortune to fill up. It drove like a dream in the middle of the desert but on the road it vibrated me to the point of nausea! I came home after about a week and told my poor husband that the truck was too big and can we give it back.

Now, I was thinking that there was a lemon law here and before 10 days you could return a vehicle and the salesman had already said to bring it back, so I figured why not. My husband proceeded to call the salesman and dealer the next day and they gave us a big "go fuck yourselves you own it".

We then got in to it with the manager and he said the salesman should have never said that and it's yours.

SO we proceeded to get a lawyer and try to get them to take the damn car back. There was no way I was going to drive this for 4 more years. We were finally able to give the truck back but not without paying for a full year of lease payments...

It was the first and last time I ever got my car through a dealership.

I am glad that the Hummer is dying a slow death. It's a car that should have never made it on to the roads. It is a gas gussling, 'look what a tough guy I am' kind of car and it makes driving on the street with it downright scary.

I never understood why Mothers started thinking that the mini van was uncool and that the SUV was a better option. It's so untrue. I can fit 5 kids, 2 dogs AND groceries in my Toyota mini van. I can open doors and fold seats with a stroller and baby in my hands with the push of a button.

That's a true 'Mom' car and all the women with more than 1 kid that doesn't have a boat of anything to tow and drives a fancy big SUV to me looks just downright stupid. The SUV and truck is for farmhands and cattle workers or men who tow toys on their weekend to the lake.

Heres to the death of a useless vehicle and the Soccer Moms who drive them while texting, I feel safer on the road already!

Doctor Who?

As we get older we are more and more conscious of the time that has passed behind us. Realising, perhaps, that we may have less time ahead of us than that which has passed.

Which is why childhood memories are so important. These photographs of the past remind us of far more innocent times, before mortgages, divorces, tightened finances and those annoying wrinkles appearing around your eyes.

I don't subscribe to the 'never look back' philosophy, what we have done and where we have been are essentially the building blocks of who we are. As a child I was mesmerised by Star Wars, I had the figures, the ships and all the books - which I would read religiously until, even at the age of 6 or 7, I knew exactly who the director of photography, the producers and the actors were. This also made me a fan of Han Solo; and thus 30 or more years later I still sport the same daft hair style (it WILL come back in fashion...I'm certain of it!).

This is just a small example of a childhood event that has carried through my 37 year old life. Even before Star Wars I was a sci-fi geek...As soon as I could hold myself up in front of the telly in those dark, brown tinged early seventies, I would watch a show about a strange wild eyed man, traveling in time and space in a wooden blue box.

For any child of those times, Tom Baker's incredible performance as The Doctor in Doctor Who transfixed us to the spot throughout the seventies and eighties. I knew nothing in those days of the rich past the Doctor had already enjoyed; the show started in 1963 with the 'first Doctor' an irritable old man with white hair. In 1966 something amazing happened - The Doctor was fatally injured and he revealed for the first time he could regenerate in to a new body...and so the genius of Doctor Who, a new actor playing the same character every 4 or so years, and the reason that 47 years later children are still ogling the TV at this weird guy in a blue box.

At 37 years old (you are allowed to say I'm sad, it's alright...I say it too) - I am waiting with great excitement, for the debut of the newly regenerated 11th Doctor. As are millions of children, just about comfortable with holding themselves up in front of the telly - creating their own childhood memories of fighting Daleks and Cybermen and zooming through space in a Police Box.

All these years later and I hear that theme tune I am instantly transported back to my Grandmother's house and her huge wooden TV - it's these moments that provide a welcome break from the life we lead today.

I can't help but smile when I see Jennifer's youngest son playing with Doctor Who figures and battling Daleks on the carpet as I once did...

He'll always remember those moments and maybe one day they will see him through the bad times as my memories help me.

Diggin' to China

Some things never change, no matter how hard you try.

Sometimes things are the way they are because that's the way they are supposed to be. Here are just a few examples. My first example, we will call him Pat, he knows that if he walks in to a strip club with a few bucks in his pocket he's doomed...so the smart thing to do is to realize this and stay away from the strip clubs.

I have never seen anyone spend every dime he has on a girl who would NEVER take him home and whose sole job in life is to bullshit men out of their hard earned money. The funny thing is he knows this but somehow common sense falls out the window.

My next example, let's call her Beth, well she's a glutton for punishment and keeps reliving things that are best left alone. After years of the same old bullshit she has yet to move on and let go. It's like my dog Becks, for some reason she digs in my bed sheets like she's going to china. She never gets anywhere but continues to do it.

There comes a time when you need to grow up and change your behavior. The first time you cry about it I will cut you some slack but on and on the same mistakes and you deserve what comes your way. You know by doing something what the end result is going to be so why do it?

I think they do it for the little bit of attention that goes with being a victim but the victim thing can only be used for so long and then it just becomes sad and pathetic. I never fancied being in the victim role for long, if ever. It's not a title I was ever comfortable with.

I have alway been the who was wronged or made a mistake once - and believe me it never happened again so I didn't look a fool. Some people like being in that position even though like my dog it never gets them anywhere.

Things are how they are so accept it, get out of denial take responsibility for your part and move on.

No one likes a whiner. This may sound harsh but it's about as true as it gets.

Winter...

NOT my favourite season... I don't like it. I am not into cold. I LOVE warmth... sandy beaches, palm trees, palapas and surfing. Yes people I surf. I mean I try to surf. My second trip to LA I invested in a board and lessons. It was a $700 investment. Since then, when I travel I drag my board with me. This is a task in and of itself, since the sucker is 8.5 feet long, and takes out a large radius of people when I just turn around while carrying it. Now I am not crazy addicted to the sport. I am not hoping to be an Olympic hopeful, or anything nearly as exciting, but I am determined to continue my quest to be an adequate surfer... (Note - I did not say expert or good, I am just hoping for adequate - or at least not embarrassing) So because of this, and the fact that I am clearly stubborn, I pull my board out whenever we are heading to a body of water that offers waves. (You should hear my family moan and groan - it's really quite amusing - particularly because I am almost geriatric in their eyes) Anyway, I get to practice surfing two or three times a year - a fact that is a good indicator of how well I surf. I mean in order to be good at something you need to practice a lot, right? (And to be good at surfing you need to have balance and killer upper body strength - something I am working on!)

Now, Canada has a few prime locations for surfing, but unfortunately for me they are all on the west coast of the country. Not a commute I can or really want to make - I mean if I have to get on a plane to surf, drizzly Vancouver would not be at the top of my list of destinations. Now, it may surprise you to know this but we can surf in Ontario. There is Lake Simcoe, a few spots on Georgian Bay, and yes believe it or not... the Scarborough bluffs - not far from my home. The downfall? Well the kind and quality of the waves we get are dependent on the weather... and usually the worst weather - which offers the best surfing - involves ice flows, frostbite, and -20 c temperatures here in Southern Ontario. Now, I don't know about you but I'm not interested in surfing when there are glaciers in the water. Aside from the fact that I am still trying to focus on simply standing up when I am on a board, having to worry about doing a face plant into a block of ice is just something I don't want to deal with.

To be honest... doing a face plant is not something I really want to do into anything, except for maybe a pillow.

I mean I have a healthy survival instinct.

Which is why when I decided last week to learn how to snowboard, my family looked at me like I had a death wish.

I admit there may have been a moment of insanity in my decision, but there was also some reason to my thinking. Firstly, I have two boys who could open a shop on eBay with all the extra equipment they have (they are both avid snowboarders) so I figured I could put some of it to use, and secondly, my husband is considering buying a place in Quebec, and building a chalet on it. Not my ideal getaway, but it is pretty in Montreal, I like to travel, and I get to practice my nonexistent bilingualism sooooo I agreed.

Unfortunately, it is also in an area where people ski and snowboard during the winter months, so I had two options in light of this. 1. Hide in the chalet and laze about or 2. Force myself to like the weather and learn a winter sport.

Skiing and I don’t agree. Feet strapped to two planks of wood that can go in opposite directions is just a recipe for disaster in my books. Just ask my daughter - she did a great impression of a flying octopus on day one and decided that that was the end of her skiing career for the weekend - and I wasn't even allowed to mention snowboarding since - the incident (an event that was hysterically funny, involved much humiliation, and rescue mission to the middle of the bunny hill to get her down - when she was 15). So she hung out in the cafes and shops while I dug down deep, sucked up the fact that it was unnaturally cold, and there was snow (which by the way is not as soft as it looks), and signed up for a lesson.

And I have to say - I loved it. It was fun. Painful (my butt still aches at the thought of its first few contacts with the hill) but fun! So much fun in fact that I made my husband go for a lesson the next day while I practiced. Now I am sure I will never ever be a Shaun White, or Maelle Richtor, but I can stay up, and will eventually work my way up to cutting my way down the hill at a speed above dead crawl. I might even get up to fast!

So I am on my way to learning to snowboard... But I have to say... I still HATE winter.

Gorilla Time

I'm not sure if this is true for most men or just mine. It all started with a zipper, a few years back while we were in Maui I decided to get a family picture taken in a lush Hawaiian setting.

The thought was that we would all be wearing off white linen, so the boys and Anthony all had nice crisp shirts and I had a nice dress. Everyone is ready and I simply asked my husband to zip up the back of my dress. He starts zipping it up and it starts to get a little stuck so instead of gently going back down and trying to go back up, he yanks the sucker and tries to force it...and what do you know the whole thing breaks.

So I loose it and start in on how he has a habit of forcing shit all the time like a gorilla and it stuck. Whether it be a zipper or putting together a kids toy, he never understands that if you have to FORCE it, it most likely is wrong and will break.

His latest gorilla episode was a ladder. I have a ladder, not the A frame kind but the up and down kind. It hangs on a hook in the garage all nice.

Yesterday, I asked if he could help me take down my trapeze bar. As I was taking it down, the large steel carabiniere accidently dropped on his foot so he was a little pissed off. As he walked off with the ladder grumbling on about how I broke (so dramatic!) his foot, I kept hearing CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! I was like, what the fuck are you doing in there? and he yells back "I'm putting away the damn ladder".

So the next night I go to take down the ladder and guess what. It's stuck on the hook. My assistant and I were tying to figure out how the hell it got stuck - then we notice he had forced the wrong side of the ladder on the hook, so when we went to lift it off it was hooked on the side that moves up and down...

When lifting it up, it kept hitting the ceiling and therefore was not able to clear the hook. Don't ask me how the hell he even got it on there but after a little CSI stye inspection of the hook I could then tell he forced it on there.

Yep, you guessed it, like a gorilla would.

It does make me laugh but really, really, really, when do you think men will ever get that force usually doesn't make things fit?

A gentle coaxing will do the job just fine.

CSI Chaparone

In my effort to be a better parent, I volunteered to be a chaperone for a sea of fourth graders at my son's school. I was told we were going to 'The National History Museum' in downtown Los Angeles. I said to myself, "No sweat. I'll do some work on the school bus, make a few phone calls, and be back home by two." Sounds easy enough. But before you cast your ballet for 'Parent of the Year,' keep reading. The minute I showed up at school I bumped into a 'soccer mom' who asked if I was going on the field trip. I said, "Yep." Next, she asked me my name. "Anthony Zuiker." Next question, "Is your son Dawson?" I answered, "Yes." SLAP MOM ALERT! Then, she said, "Isn't he the class clown (comedian)?" I said, "Yeah. My kid's Carrot Top? What of it?" I didn't really say that, but I couldn't believe I got a stick in the eye. I just parked the car to walk to the classroom. Anyway, I let that shit go and gathered my six students to head for the bus. Next thing I know, Dawson's teacher hands me this slate and 'Scavenger Hunt' sheets with really complicated questions like "What's a conquistador?" Not only was I in charge of keeping six 9-year olds within eye sight, but we had to answer questions in a four-story museum. Now, I'm starting to stress. You don't understand. When it comes to kid competition stuff, I'll kill my mother to win.

The stress continued when we got on the bus. The bus driver from the L.A. Unified School District laid down the rules to ride on the bus. "No standing. No talking. No throwing things out the window. No crawling under the seat. No turning around to talk to the person behind you." I was like "Damn… they would've thrown my ass in jail at that age." Then, he looks at me and says, "You. You're in the front seat. If I am killed or have a heart attack, you have to pull me off the seat and pull this white lever to stop the bus." I'm like, "Huh?" What do you mean "killed?" Where the fuck are we going? "Compton or the museum." Really? Really??

I don't you know if you remember riding in a yellow school bus, but they should come with a liver belt. I was bouncing around so bad I thought I was gonna vomit in my son's lunch box. Up and down. Side to side. My God. The L.A. County Unified School District need to L.A. County United Shocks for these fucking busses. Anyway, we get there. I'm whiter than I am in real life. Maybe, grey at this point. I do my best to give the six kids a 'team name' like 'The Jets' or 'The Harry Potters.' They looked at my like I was tuna can. That didn't go over well. And I was thinking to myself, "Shut up, old man. Forty-one year old."

So once we go into the museum, the kids are running around like maniacs. No one has a fucking pencil. I'm filling out the extra form because my kids are going to have all the answers. I stopped old lady 'volunteers' mid-lecture. "Um, excuse me. What's the gemstone of California?" Benitoite. Don't ask me to say it or pronounce it, but it's right. It only got worse from there. One of my kid's almost knocked down the fucking polar bear. Another kid broke an antler. We couldn't for the life of us find out "What drove people to Hollywood in the 1940s?" The answer is location. And as far as "What is a Conquistador?" I told the kids it was something that comes in the $5 box at Taco Bell. I'm kidding. Point being, it was hell to get all of the answers. I was so looking forward to lunch.

Of course, when we come out of the museum to eat on the lawn, I see the teachers 'head scratching' around one of our school busses. I came over, "What's wrong?" They told me the other driver was missing and the lunches were on the bus. Which means, my lunch is on the bus. I turned red. "Where is this prick?" A few blocks away, I saw a parking lot filled with yellow school busses. "I'll be right back." It was time to take a walk. When I was about 50-yards away, he knew I was coming after his ass. I was about to kill him for not being at the bus. Fuck a white lever. I told him, "It's time to put your lunch down, my man, and open the other bus. The kid's lunches where in there." He wasn't happy. He had his sandwich all laid out. Chips on a napkin. Paper opened to the sports page. Nope. Your lunch is cancelled. It's time for me to eat.

The kids ate. They called me a 'hero'. And I even bought a Coke from a Hispanic vendor. Life was good. Long story short. We got all of the answers right. I suffered through another 'Deliverance' bus ride back to the school. And just as I was about to hop in my car with my son, the soccer mom asked me if I had the answer to "What is the official gemstone for California?" I thought about it for a minute and gave her my best answer. "Put it this way... It's starts with a "B." Touche', bitch!

Welcome Home

I'm home and it was a long but very nice 4 day trip for me. I had a lovely time catching up with friends, I even tried my hand at driving a bit. I lasted a entire 10 minutes before panicking and pulling over. It seems my brain was not really ready for the driving on the left side of the road.

I got home and was lucky enough to walk in my closet to find 3 gorgeous McQueen runway pieces that my husband picked up before they started the archival process. I got the main dress that I had been dying to own ever since I saw it in August in a store in Milan, I also got the runway piece that I like to call the 'black bubble wrap coat' and and hounds tooth coat.

You see, Gucci financially backed Mr. McQueen and I just know that they are going to start pulling all of the runway stock off the floor to hold for museum displays and whatnot. Now it's a race to get them before that order from the head office trickles down.

So today is a new day and I'm home with crying kids and all ready to start my week. 1st stop, yep you guessed it, the McQueen store to see about all the stuff I ordered. From what I hear they are stripping down the stores and packing up stuff as we speak. I am not sure where the brand will go now that the man behind it is gone but it will be interesting to see.

It's New York fashion week and the 'Ready to Wear 2010' fall line is trickling out here and there, so I will be working on that for you. London will be the following week and I'm hoping that I can get out of my fashion funk.

I hope that everyone had a nice Valentines weekend. Be sure to forum all the sweet and romantic things you did. It's always nice to hear how others spend the greeting card holiday of the year! I went for a nice dinner with my friends at a lovely restaurant called the Old Mill. I can just imagine that the grounds are stunning in the summer time as now it's a bit grey and cold there.

Alexander McQueen

I touched down yesterday in London only to hear just a few hours later that fashion designer Alexander McQueen had died by committing suicide. This came to a shock to me and was the last thing I expected. I am deeply saddened by the loss of the greatest Designer of my generation.

His body was discovered at the property in Green Street, central London, shortly after 10am today. Paramedics were called but he was pronounced dead at the scene. A postmortem has been scheduled but police said his death was not being treated as suspicious. They would not comment on reports he had killed himself.

A spokeswoman for McQueen said: "Mr McQueen was found dead this morning at his home. We're devastated and I hope you understand that out of respect to his family and his colleagues we're not going to be making any further statement."

The death comes days before the start of London fashion week and a month before the designer was to unveil his new collection at Paris fashion week.

His family asked for privacy to come to terms with the death of McQueen, whose first name was Lee.

His company, Alexander McQueen, issued a statement saying: "On behalf of Lee McQueen's family, Alexander McQueen today announces the tragic news that Lee McQueen, the founder and designer of the Alexander McQueen brand, has been found dead at his home. At this stage it is inappropriate to comment on this tragic news beyond saying that we are devastated and are sharing a sense of shock and grief with Lee's family."

"Lee's family has asked for privacy in order to come to terms with this terrible news and we hope the media will respect this."

Tributes quickly poured in after news of McQueen's sudden death.

Alexandra Shulman, the editor of British Vogue, said McQueen had influenced a whole generation of designers. "His brilliant imagination knew no bounds as he conjured up collection after collection of extraordinary designs," she said. "At one level he was a master of the fantastic, creating astounding fashion shows that mixed design, technology and performance and on another he was a modern-day genius whose gothic aesthetic was adopted by women the world over. His death is the hugest loss to anyone who knew him and for very many who didn't."

The designer Katherine Hamnett said: "He was a genius. What a terrible, tragic waste."

Dame Vivienne Westwood said she was "incredibly sorry" to hear the news.

Matthew Williamson said: "I am shocked and deeply saddened by McQueen's death. He was a genius and his talent was second to none. Like many others I always cited him as a hugely inspirational leader of world fashion. He will be greatly missed."

A spokesman for the model Kate Moss said: "Kate is shocked and devastated at the tragic loss of her dear friend Lee McQueen. Her thoughts are with his family at this sad time."

McQueen was praised for raising the profile of British fashion around the world. "Alexander McQueen made an outstanding contribution to British fashion," said the culture secretary, Ben Bradshaw. "His extraordinary talent and creativity mean that his designs are adored not just by followers of haute couture but lovers of great style everywhere. This is a great loss to one of Britain's most successful industries and to the design world more widely."

A spokeswoman for the British fashion council said: "He was a unique talent and one of the world's greatest designers. Our thoughts are with his friends and family at this sad time."

Comments had been posted on McQueen's Twitter page, McQueenWorld, expressing his distress over the death of his mother on 2 February. He wrote last week: "i'm letting my followers know the my mother passed away yesterday if it she had not me nor would you RIP mum x"

A minute later he added: "but life must go on!"

On Sunday McQueen wrote: "sunday evening been a f****** awful week but my friends have been great but now i have to some how pull myself together..."

Born in London in 1969 as the youngest of six children, McQueen left school at the age of 16 and was offered an apprenticeship at the traditional Savile Row tailors Anderson and Shephard, then at neighbouring Gieves and Hawkes.

At 20 he was employed by the designer Koji Tatsuno. A year later McQueen travelled to Milan where he worked as a design assistant to Romeo Gigli. He returned to London in 1994 where he completed a master's degree in fashion design at Central St Martins College. His degree collection was famously bought in its entirety by Isabella Blow, a leading figure in the fashion world who died in 2007.

In less than 10 years McQueen became one of the most respected fashion designers in the world. In October 1996 he was appointed chief designer at the French label Givenchy where he worked until March 2001.

In December 2000, 51% of Alexander McQueen was acquired by luxury brand Gucci, where he became creative director. Expansion followed and included the opening of flagship stores in New York, London and Milan.

McQueen was a four-time winner of the British designer of the year award as well as the international designer of the year award from the Council of Fashion Designers of America. He was awarded the CBE in 2003.

Guardian article 2010

Who Dat

Another Superbowl has come and gone and I'm happy to see the Saints finally win for their city, lifting spirits and illiteracy...

Yep, you heard me right. Seems the one thing that the game left us with this year was a bunch of dumb sounding sayings like WHO DAT.

I cannot believe in this day and age that we are losing the English language to slang ignorant sayings such as this. Haven't we bastardized this language enough that we don't need to add to it by endorsing slang.

There was a time in history throughout the world when only the ignorant and poor used to talk like that and they fought through poverty, slavery or worse, so that they could have a better life with an education only to have it return.

To make things worse, they try to make it sound like it's the new cool hip thing to say.

There is nothing cool about sounding like an idiot with a vocabulary of 100 words all of which are not even pronounced correctly. Parrots have higher word counts. I can't understand how people these days are not ashamed and embarrassed when heard by others talking like that. I believe this is becoming a global problem and I am praying it is only a trend and that parents around the globe with put an end to this.

I want my children to be able to be around anyone in the world and be able to hold a conversation without sounding or feeling inferior. I was not blessed with a college education but if there is a word I have never heard before I still go look it up and try to incorporate it in life and that's what I try to instill in my kids.

Why, as a culture do we need to go backwards when we should all be striving to be better.

Park THIS!

I have heard it all. Environmentalists are saying that free parking encourages people to drive. They are trying to get CA to get rid of free parking. This is the most fucking absurd thing I have ever heard.

First of all I think parking should be free to begin with. I spend more money on meters and parking then I ever have. In Vegas there is no such thing as paid parking unless you go to the airport. I get that we have global environmental issues but parking has always been there and people have driven regardless. To think that by making people pay to park means they will drive less is just going to hurt the local businesses. If we really want to do something about car emission let's start with making ELECTRIC or WATER POWERED cars...

Oh wait, that would mean the rich ass oil companies wouldn't be able to buy off politicians.

That would solve the problem without having to make people who are already having a hard time as it is have to shell out more money to park. It's not my fault the Government killed the electric car so why punish us?

If they made a car that ran on water I would be the first to buy it. I just think that these global nutters are barking up the wrong tree here. I will never understand the people in this State. They advocate the surface issue but don't ever get to the root of the problem and take it from there. There are far too many issues in the world that need advocates but parking would be the least on my list.

I would start with the trees and rain forests by finding a way to support the villages that are cutting them down to support their families.

Then there is whaling, I hate that - and Japan is STILL actively doing it, hiding behind 'research' as an excuse.

Then there is the fact we still use cars that require gas - something that should have been sorted 50 years ago.

Plastic bags and bottles are a real issue and I have no fresh ideas on that one but would love to hear one.

How about the waste of all the food that Americans go through. I mean do we really need a zillion varieties of the same thing?

This country is responsible for a lot of these problems and we are worried about free PARKING? That's just downright insulting.

Most people in CA as well as in America are rather self obsessed and love their modern conveniences - me included - but I do believe that until everyone can honestly look themselves in the mirror and say "I am going to start with me", we will never ever solve this issue.

The government will never enforce a gas free vehicle and make the car companies make them BY FEDERAL LAW but they will enforce and finance things that will always be in their best interest.

After all we live in a FREE country.

Just ask AL Gore, he flys about on his private jet talking about this very thing...along with most of the high profile Hollywood Elite.

Designer Dud

This weekend was a peaceful and quiet weekend. The Husband was off on his Superbowl adventure and I had the house to myself. One of the things I love about my husband is the space he and I both give to one another. I was looking forward to having some 'do nothing' time.

I decided to do a little closet cleaning and that's when I had to face the facts that I have a wee bit of a shopping issue. I never really was a big fashion whore growing up and didn't spend that much on clothes. I usually went to thrift stores and the various vintage shops around town for my outfits and when they no longer fit or I was just tired of them, I went and turned them in for trade or case at a place called Buffalo Exchange.

As I was cleaning my closet, I started noticing that a lot of the stuff I had recently bought still had the tags on them and the shoes were brand new and collecting dust...

I am not sure if I'm just bored or at what point I started getting stupid with my spending but I realized that if I am not wearing what I buy, that I should just stop buying until I have actually worn what I've got!

There is a certain 'High' that I get when I buy the latest 'off the runway' piece or a pair of shoes that whisper at me when I walk by (and they do whisper.. "Pssssst, I am sooo fucking fabulous" - or my favorite "Pssssssst, I'm on sale and I'm a steal").

It's not that serious but I am a bit annoyed at myself with the waste and there are a few 'what was I thinking' garments hanging sadly, waiting to be worn and most likely never will be.

I am now putting myself on clothing restriction and am going to change my habits to only things I NEED as opposed to 'WOW! That's pretty - let me get it'. My friend has also come up with a plan for me to spread the love of my fashion by helping me set up a Gorygirl Fashion House on ebay so I can sell the designer stuff that I have only worn once or twice.

I am a late bloomer to the ebay craze and have never really bought much nor have I sold anything, so I thought I would give it a go and see how I did. So while my husband was living it up in Miami, I was doing a bit of self discovery and cleaning.

I will keep you posted on how I fair in curbing the desire to buy this, that and the other. I hope you all enjoyed the Football game. It was a good one.

Congrats to the new Super bowl champions THE NEW ORLEANS SAINTS!!!

Haiti...

This blog is twofold.

Do I think what happened in Haiti is a tragedy? Definitely... Do I think we should help? Yes... But how is the question... and when is it too much?

It is a tragedy what happened in Haiti. 100s of thousands of people are dead. It's a small island, they are generally poor to begin with - so recovering from something like this is akin to NO recovering a few years back. (Though in truth, has New Orleans ever really recovered? Been rebuilt?) As with many of the poor in NO one has to ask; how do you rebuild when you had nothing to start with? I mean you may have had a home, a small piece of land and some scant belongings to call your own, but likely from day to day, you lived hand to mouth. So how does one come up with the ability, and money to recover, when you couldn't support yourself to begin with? It is devastating, and will take a long time to rebuild - if that ever is truly possible. I have donated a few times, and if I could would get on a plane and travel there to try and help in the recovery efforts I would, but something someone wrote a few days ago has stuck with me.

Actually two somethings.

First off... America right now is in the depths of economic turmoil. People are losing their homes, their livelihoods, and thanks to some of the Wall Street tycoons who invested other people's money poorly, or stole it outright, people who were in their sixties or close to retirement age have lost their entire life savings. Now - some of you may say that if you are in a position to invest, you have money. But that’s not necessarily true. Some of these people worked hard labour all their lives, and built up a small RRSP for their retirement and have lost it all. Day to day in America, there are millions of elderly, families, and children who are undernourished – or go completely without food, live in the streets, live in shanties, out of the back of vans, and in tents. I am not talking about the general homeless population - what we call societies fringe element (though I believe they too need help), but families with children, or elderly people who may or may not have a place to live, or food to put on their table – or a table to put it on! People who go without medical care, because they have no coverage, or are unable visit to the dentist for the same reason, yet when something like this happens in the world, people who have nothing still open up their wallets to donate. It’s wonderful, but at the same time - I wish for those people - that the government had something in place to help them get back on their feet. Put a roof over their heads, and food in their stomachs.

Haiti's need is immediate. They need fresh water, clothes, food, medical assistance, and rescue help. When the dust has cleared they will need help rebuilding. All of this is going to cost money and I think at this point Haiti has that. Countries from all over the world have helped by stepping up to the plate, and sending manpower, medical supplies, and promising millions to help rebuild (last count upwards of 1 billion - to ball park it). Wouldn't it be nice if the money raised by the public, went back to those who really need it at home? Let the government do their part. Let them take on the responsibility of helping Haiti, and being accountable for the money they are putting up (Private charities are worrisome because they can easily be abused (just look at Yele) - but if the government is giving 100-200 million in money (not including manpower) - HOPEFULLY there is someone there seeing that the funds get to where they need to be). But why not take the millions raised by the public, put it in a fund, and use it to help supply a grants to homeless families? Use it to help create jobs? Build low income housing? Offer free medical care – say a clinic in each borough? I get that Haiti needs help, but so do a lot of Americans.

The second thing someone said to me.

We are going to see an influx of Haitian immigrants because of this...

YIKES!

Orphaned children... absolutely - I see no problem in adopting them out in Canada and the states if that is the only option. I live in Canada and we are a VERY multicultural society and I love the differences in the faces I see on a daily basis. And I do believe in opening our doors to people in need, BUT, with all of the money and help that Haiti is being given, this should be a last resort. They should be made to rebuild in their own country.

Haiti has always had a troubled history. The government is corrupt and the country run by gangs - it is a way of life. It is a method of survival. I am not saying all of the citizens are bad, and I am not trying to stereotype, but it's a lot like a child who grows up only eating one kind of food; he or she doesn't know anything else... If Canada/America opens the doors to a flood of immigration from this country, you may be bringing those very social problems home to an already overburdened system. You will be bringing in more unskilled people, who have nothing, and will likely end up like the other millions who are already suffering without? Is this the way to go about helping? And should we do this to the detriment of our own people? And before someone calls me a racist and what not, I don't mean color, or race, or religion here - I mean the people around us who are already struggling, starving and homeless? The unnamed population we don't see? And I would be asking the same question if it was any other country as well.

I believe we should help, but I also believe we already have. It's our tax dollars, which go into the government coffers, therefore the millions being pledged to help Haiti, by our government is already coming out of our pocket. Why not push to have the government make sure that some of the private money collected by charities be put towards helping the Americans/Canadians who really need it, too?

Sometimes we see something like this on TV or in the news and we are moved. We want to do something to help - just like everybody else. It’s a great feeling. So do it. But why not sustain that, and buy an extra $20 a week worth of groceries (if you can afford it), and drop it off at the food bank, too? Or donate to a local shelter, a lunch program at a school, organize a warm coat drive?

Hit This

Joint blog from The Zuikers

You have got to be kidding me on this one.

I was watching the news coverage on K-Cal 9 about porn star Joslyn James and how she is suing a golf ball company for putting her likeness on the ball.

She is saying that it promotes violence against woman, being that the men would be hitting her face with a hard metal club. LMFAO. Here is my stance on this bullshit...

Look, you're a fucking PORN STAR (using the word 'star' lightly), if you didn't want the publicity you shouldn't have lowered your panties for a golf pro to tee off and then go public with it after the count started. Twelve, I believe it is so far...

Obviously, the golf ball company is looking to make a quick buck off the scandal and personally I think it makes for a great gag gift. She's just bitter because she is not getting a dime from the proceeds. Violence against women my ass. When you decide to air out your whoreness with a married man with a wife and family and embarrass him, you deserve to get hit in the face with a club.

Not literally of course!

GG

Here's the thing. You thought you had enough for him to leave his wife and be 'the one' so you can live happily ever after. No dice, ho. You were just one in the 'dirty dozen' who fell for his bullshit and got scammed.

In the meantime, you thought you were going to live happily ever after spending his millions while he left 'someone hotter than you - for you.' You have to be a porn star in the first place to think like that.

Tiger was smart, but he was dumb. He was smart to "talk that shit" so you give it up, but stupid to think no one was watching. He's still a public figure doing wrong in a country that profits and thrives in wrong doing. Indeed, you're bored in the marriage and have an appetite for 'strange' but the strange thing is - you got away with cheating once and you turned into a kid in a candy store.

In the end, you got the biggest cavity of all. You lost your wife and your money. Next time, just honor your wife, man. She's fucking banging and loyal to you. Now, you're going to go down in history as a great golfer who was a cheat. It took you a lifetime to build "God-like" status and a second to lose it all.

And as for the porn star whiny bimbo, 'fuck you.' You got played like the "Masters." You deserve everything you get. Nada. And as for the golf ball company - "Bravo!" You understand the American system. Give them what they want and make a buck.

You win.

Tiger loses.

So does the "ho."

After all, it's the American way...how sad.

AZ

Purge of Darkness

Ah, the joy of Friday night at the movies in Los Angeles with a full moon…and my wife. Yes, my lovely wife dragged me to see "Edge of Darkness" starring Mel Gibson. Of course, we leave the house at 4:00 p.m. for a 7:50 movie because Jennifer likes to have dinner, walk around Border's for two-solid hours, while her 85-year-old father chain smokes in the cold. I even had to buy the poor guy a coffee inside of the bookstore so he could defrost. He sucked it right down. While I was peeking in the magazine section at a loose Penthouse (that just happen to be lying around), I find him wandering around looking for a bathroom. I found it after flagging down one of the overly pre-occupied coffee workers. "It's around the corner to the right." Gee, thanks. So, off to pee we went while Jennifer bought everything in the store like a kleptomaniac. The current time: 6:50. Another hou...

Anyway, we bought three tickets to "Edge of Darkness" and while picking them up I saw the lead singer for the worst band I have ever seen in my life. They're called "Semi-Precious Weapons." They opened for Lady Gaga at the Nokia Center a couple of months ago. Gaga was retarded. So was Semi-Precious whatever. I'm done with the both of them.

As we entered the theater, Jennifer orders me to pick up a small popcorn, water, and peanut M & Ms. I'm in line behind three chatterbox men who are ordering everything on the fucking menu as if they haven't eaten in a month. I'm like, "Get your fucking hot dog and Bon Bons and take a fucking walk credit card payer." 15 minutes in line. Come on, man.

So, I carry the food and oversized water (to quench the thirst of a water buffalo) and take a seat. Whew! Finally, I can just sit and tune out if the movie sucks. But it was pretty good. About halfway through, the full moon kicked in from outdoors to indoors. All of the sudden, some dude started vomiting in the theater. Almost at the same time Mel Gibson's daughter was vomiting on screen (due to radiation poisoning).

Suddenly, a gaggle of couples get up and move away. Next thing you know, security comes. People are walking around like "The Road." Lost and abandoned. Then, three 40-year-old men walked out with their 32-ounce "cokes" and came back smelling like Crown Royal. "What are we in fucking high school again? Just order a cocktail at the Brazilian bar you fucking drunk." And the one thing about LA is, people just can't sit the fuck down during a movie. I wanted to stand up and say, "Will you just sit the fuck down and watch the fucking movie? And you... lady... stop texting. Are you that fucking bored, Netflix?"

So, yeah, 'movie night.' 'Date night.' 'Air out the old man night' was sort of a bust.

The movie was good. I'd give it a B+.

Yes, it was a typical Friday night when you're Jenn and I. Full moon. Vomiting movie goer. And a blind man with a cane.

Coming to a theater near you!

Valentine

It's Febuary and with that comes the totally useless holiday that is 'Valentines Day'.

I have never been the romantic Valentine type...It has annoyed my husband every year but I think it's a fake holiday and it's more for High School kids and not really an adult thing.

Having been married for 11 years, Anthony and I are still happy to celebrate our anniversary and that to me is something really worth a song and dance. Not many people in this day and age stay married that long, so when our wedding day rolls around, I feel that is 'our' Valentines day. Last year I went to London over the holiday to take my friend JP to the Brit Awards. I had a blast but caught a far amount of shit for going. Well It seems this year I booked a trip over the same weekend. I just don't think it's that important of a day so I forget about it. It's like St. Patricks Day or Labor Day...it's all the same to me and I travel on those days too so what's the big deal about Valentines?

This year I gave in and changed my travel plans, staying home for the Holiday. I also decided to kick up a fuss about it as well. If I am going to stay home on this 'holiday' you better do more than get me a card and a cheap box of chocolates from Longs drug store!

A couple days past and my husband came to me and said "No, I'm going to be 'busy' at work so you can still go skiing or whatever it was you were going to".

Hmmmm...

Now all of a sudden, AFTER I cancel my trip, it's not that important.

I hate being a stick in the mud but I think that as a man he should be soooo happy that I don't need all the fuss. I think that maybe he had a moment and realized that me staying home means that he has a ton of work to do to over Valentines Day and came to the same conclusion as me.

It's just a day. I did however get a bit of Valentines shopping out of the way. Even though I don't like a big fuss made I do get a card and a few small things to open. I'm not totally cold hearted.

I decided to Wiki the holiday just to see who started this nonsense.

Well here is your answer:

Valentine's Day or Saint Valentine's Day is an annual holiday held on February 14 celebrating love and affection between intimate companions.The holiday is named after one or more early Christian martyrs named Valentine and was established by Pope Gelasius I in 496 AD. It is traditionally a day on which lovers express their love for each other by presenting flowers, offering confectionery, and sending greeting cards (known as 'valentines'). The holiday first became associated with romantic love in the circle of Geoffrey Chaucer in the High Middle Ages, when the tradition of courtly love flourished.

Modern Valentine's Day symbols include the heart-shaped outline, doves, and the figure of the winged Cupid. Since the 19th century, handwritten valentines have largely given way to mass-produced greeting cards, and Valentine's Day has become the second-largest greeting card-sending holiday in the United States, behind only Christmas.

Apart from being an incredibly successful piece of marketing, making poor suckers part with their hard earned money - I still dont get it...

Purge of Darkness

Ah, the joy of Friday night at the movies in Los Angeles with a full moon…and my wife. Yes, my lovely wife dragged me to see "Edge of Darkness" starring Mel Gibson. Of course, we leave the house at 4:00 p.m. for a 7:50 movie because Jennifer likes to have dinner, walk around Border's for two-solid hours, while her 85-year-old father chain smokes in the cold. I even had to buy the poor guy a coffee inside of the bookstore so he could defrost. He sucked it right down. While I was peeking in the magazine section at a loose Penthouse (that just happen to be lying around), I find him wandering around looking for a bathroom. I found it after flagging down one of the overly pre-occupied coffee workers. "It's around the corner to the right." Gee, thanks. So, off to pee we went while Jennifer bought everything in the store like a kleptomaniac. The current time: 6:50. Another hou...

Anyway, we bought three tickets to "Edge of Darkness" and while picking them up I saw the lead singer for the worst band I have ever seen in my life. They're called "Semi-Precious Weapons." They opened for Lady Gaga at the Nokia Center a couple of months ago. Gaga was retarded. So was Semi-Precious whatever. I'm done with the both of them.

As we entered the theater, Jennifer orders me to pick up a small popcorn, water, and peanut M & Ms. I'm in line behind three chatterbox men who are ordering everything on the fucking menu as if they haven't eaten in a month. I'm like, "Get your fucking hot dog and Bon Bons and take a fucking walk credit card payer." 15 minutes in line. Come on, man.

So, I carry the food and oversized water (to quench the thirst of a water buffalo) and take a seat. Whew! Finally, I can just sit and tune out if the movie sucks. But it was pretty good. About halfway through, the full moon kicked in from outdoors to indoors. All of the sudden, some dude started vomiting in the theater. Almost at the same time Mel Gibson's daughter was vomiting on screen (due to radiation poisoning).

Suddenly, a gaggle of couples get up and move away. Next thing you know, security comes. People are walking around like "The Road." Lost and abandoned. Then, three 40-year-old men walked out with their 32-ounce "cokes" and came back smelling like Crown Royal. "What are we in fucking high school again? Just order a cocktail at the Brazilian bar you fucking drunk." And the one thing about LA is, people just can't sit the fuck down during a movie. I wanted to stand up and say, "Will you just sit the fuck down and watch the fucking movie? And you... lady... stop texting. Are you that fucking bored, Netflix?"

So, yeah, 'movie night.' 'Date night.' 'Air out the old man night' was sort of a bust.

The movie was good. I'd give it a B+.

Yes, it was a typical Friday night when you're Jenn and I. Full moon. Vomiting movie goer. And a blind man with a cane.

Coming to a theater near you!

iDon't

SO, I just watched a presentation on this new Apple device - the iPad. I was all kinds of excited about the whole thing. It's like an amazing, perfect sized gadget for my handbag and will allow me to travel without lugging my laptop.

Yippee!

Ummm...NO I think not.

Well, as they were going on and on about how fantastic this was I was sucked in and then came the bad news. It doesn't come standard with the Wifi or 3G for the (what they call) Low $499 price.

By the time you load it up with the important stuff like Wifi and whatnot it tops out at $800 or so and that's as much as a laptop.

Then you have to use AT&T again as your Wifi carrier and although you don't have to sign a contract and can cancel anytime, I guarantee that the $29.99 that AT&T charges is only 'That price'...IF YOU SIGN A CONTRACT. I'm waiting for that fine print to raise its ugly head.

AT&T works like crap to begin with and if I can't get my iPhone to work properly in LA that means the iPad will work even worse.

PLUS - like the iPhone, I can only imagine that every year they are going to come up with the "NEW" iPad making your old iPad have all kinds of ticks and whatnots...

I am a stockholder in Apple, so I love when they come out with new fun things to raise their stock but I am also a user of the product and I am getting sick to death of the bullshit factor.

For example I went to go get the latest iPhone (my old wasn't even a year old) and they informed me that I have to sign a new 3 year deal with crappy AT&T to get one and I said "I'm already with them" and he said you need to sign a new contract for 3 MORE years or no phone.

That's just wrong on many strong arm levels. SO then I say "Well can I upgrade?" and they come back with "NO you already used your upgrade". So now I am stuck with my out of date, non working AT&T iPhone until it dies it's death.

I know that AT&Ts contract with Apple should be coming to an end soon and then the iPhone will open up to new carriers. Or so I hope. I am just patiently waiting until that happens until I get the new iPhone but the fact that I have NO CHOICE in my phone carrier really sucks and I must say I am disappointed that they force you in to this contract business.

So, let the waiting game begin. Yes, I am that stubborn. I will wait it out and see what happens.

As for the iPad, well I know they are going to be figuring out how to make it more accessible and I for one am not going to be stuck like I am with the iphone when they do.

I figure if most people are going to spend that kind of money they are most likely going to get a full on laptop before buying the iPad and that's going to be its downfall.

After all a gadget is just a gadget.

Terror Trade

So I turned the 10 O'clock news on and I must say that I'm scared to death.

When did the world become so fricking scary? If it's not climate change and California being rained out to such an extent that mudslides and flooding are going to reap havoc on me this week - then it's The Govenater saying that he is going to release a bunch of convicts because LA is so broke it can't afford to house them.

Let me just break down some of the stuff on the news tonight:
One triple homicide with the killers still at large
Mud slides and a super storm that is inevitable
Terrorists making mass amounts of Botox to attack us with
Tanning beds that are the new cancer coffins
The dirtiest hotels and what makes them dirty
Bank robbers
More murder....the list goes on.

Yep, that was my half hour of beddy bye sleepy time television. I mean really can the world get any worse? Can't they just ease up a bit on the scare tactics? I am sure some nice things happened in the world. They did show a story of a cat that took on a bear. WOW, that's the happy piece, I am just waiting for the damn cat to get mauled any minute now.

The funny thing is that the World news is just as bad, nothing happy going on there. The president is talking his talk about the middle class and how they need all these tax breaks but let's see how successful he is getting that on with all the bullshit walls he comes across. I mean the man tries but I don't think anyone is really behind him in Washington and therefore it's a loosing battle.

I am looking forward to the Olympics for goodness sake, I mean there is something happy for me about them. I would just for once like to see people everywhere have one flipping common goal. Based on the news we are all slowly becoming animals and I hope that my kids and my kid's kids will not be living in some Mad Max scenario. That would just suck. It really would.

I get it, the world is seriously fucked up. I don't need to be terrorized anymore by the news.

I have an idea - let's make everything happy and shiny like the Fifties and go in to a deep denial. You never know, it may catch on and then we can live happily ever after.

Ahhh they saved a dog from the floods during the rain, of course the guy who saved him got bit to shit but the dogs okay.

I'm going to bed. Hope the news wherever you are was less scary...

Warning, Sex and Violence

Saturday night I decided to check out the new Starz series Spartacus: Blood & Sand.

The poster for it has been all over Hollywood and it looked pretty good. I seem to give every new show a chance, so I settled in bed and made a date with my Tivo.

The first thing that pops up is a stupid ass disclaimer saying that the 'sex and violence' I am about to see depicts the period of the Roman Empire. I had to laugh because I have never seen a disclaimer trying to use history as an excuse to its content...

So I started watching and within the first 2 minutes there is a 300 (as in the movie) style fight scene with all the same style and color that went along with the original movie. I loved the movie 300, so I was like "Okay right on, it will be a Roman version of that".

Ummmm NO. As I sit and watch, the story gets worse - along with the special effects. It goes from fight scene then cuts to some confusing dialogue, switches to some sex and naked women in slow motion, then back to a fight scene, dialogue, sex...ad infinitum!

The actresses are just sucky and clearly chosen based on the willingness to show tits and ass. I didn't realize that they had breast implants in Roman times, but they are being historically correct, or so the disclaimer said.

I am so sick of cheap rip offs of decent movies or television shows, I just don't understand where all the creative minds are. I am sure they are out there but for some reason the heads of all these networks just want to churn out the same old same old.

There were a few goodies this season that I loved like The Good Wife and the remake of V, as for cable, Nurse Jackie, that was the big winner. HBO and Showtime have always seemed to put on decent original programming. This Starz show is just CRAP, total Crap. I am hoping that the next few episodes show some more promise than the damn pilot but I'm not holding my breath.

If you're in the mood for soft gladiator style porn, you are going to love it, but as for me, I wanted a good historical series like Rome or Deadwood. I can't wait for the networks to start giving it's viewers some credit and raising the standard a bit more.

Party Down is the other series they have on Starz and that looks as if it may have a bit of promise. Until then I think I will tune in to see the naked men, blood and guts until I can't watch it anymore.

If you haven't seen the show, I urge you to give it a look and let me know what you think. Maybe I expect too much of my Tivo these days?

Where are you going dumb ass?

Things aint fine at KCAL 9. It seems another dumb ass idiot decided to get in a scrap with his girlfriend and proceeded to head butt her in the face. So as most women would do she locked her door only to have the man who claims he loves her shoot through the door. She called 911 and police arrived on the scene and there he went at 50 miles an hour driving through the streets of orange county.

WHERE THE HELL does he think he is gonna go? In all of the years of watching this kind of dumb ass behavior I have yet to see a suspect get away. Does he honestly think that the cops are gonna say "fuck it I need a doughnut" NO I think not. So helicopters are called and the cops are alerted and they drive and drive and drive shutting down freeways as they go.

I want to live in a world that just shoots these people the minute the go more than 5 miles without pulling over. I am waiting for the day when I turn on the TV and I see the sharpshooter hanging out the helicopter taking his shot only to then see the car hit the wall and burst into flames.

Yep, I am that cold and with good reason. If you run from the cops your most likely a scum bag anyway. This shit has got to end at some point. When are we going to stop giving criminals all these rights. I am a tax payer and sorry but I want to see wild west justice. They used to hang people when they were sentenced to die, now we pay millions to house them all on death row while they bog down the courts with their bullshit.

Just in. It seems he ran out of gas and now they all have shotguns pointed at him so now he is just sitting in the car. SHOOT SHOOT SHOOT. Let the damn dog out on him or something. How much more time and money needs to be spent on this one suspect. Oh we got a hand out the window, but he is still just sitting in there armed. Lets see how long this is going to go on.

..........15 minutes later. The suspect is now coming out, well maybe not, seems he is just opening the car door. Hands are up in the air. I so wish they would let that dog loose on his fat ass.

Well they now have him in custody so the streets are a safer place until he gets out on OR or makes bail. Yipeeee.

In his world did he really think he was going to just be able to drive and get away?

Just another annoying hollywood dumb ass thinking car chases are cool.

The good thing is no one was hurt but there will always be a next time. TUNE IN.

Going Solo

Last night, I attending the premier of Extraordinary Measures starring Harrison Ford and Brendan Frasier. It was CBS Films' inaugural film, so I went with my husband to support the network. I also brought my best friend and father to the event.

You see, my UKBFF has been a fan of Harrison Ford's for his entire life. He is a huge Star Wars fan. I mean, how can you not be a little in awe of the man that made "Han Solo" a household name. I was super excited that he was able to go to a Hollywood event where his idol was going to be and finally have the opportunity to shake the man's hand.

I have never really idolized an actor so I am not sure what that feels like. I adored George Clooney when he was on ER, but I'm not really someone that I grew up idolizing for my entire life. My friend, who we'll name JP, has been collecting Star Wars memorabilia for forever. I call him a hoarder but he calls it 'collecting.'

Anyway, after the premiere, we all walked over to The Roosevelt to get some food at the after party. As we mingled around the room, JP spots Harrison Ford in his Han Solo glory and I must say the man is still rather sexy. He was mobbed with people but I gave JP a nudge and said "Go shake his hand." Being English, JP is not all that forward and prefers to politely gaze as opposed to fighting through the crowd to go bother anyone.

I told him that this may be the only chance you will ever get to meet the one person you idolized as a kid. So after a few minutes of prodding, he finally made his way over. Just as he was about to move in for the "hello", a couple of really annoying Han Solo hags with iPhone cameras pushed past him and were clicking away. In a word: tacky. In two words: tack, hi!

After a few tense moments, he reached out and shook Harrison's hand and said a few words. It was really sweet to see. JP walked away beaming from head to toe. It was a really nice moment and I am glad my husband and I were able to take him to the premier to get that "once in a lifetime" chance.

Harrison Ford was really polite and approachable and that is why he is an actor that will withstand the test of time. The Gorygirl lesson to the story. "Sometimes one must go through Extraordinary Measures to fulfill a childhood dream that will last a lifetime."

Golden Night

It seemed as if all the stars were out for the Golden Globes last night in Hollywood.

These were the dresses I loved and some that I thought were downright awful. I have been to the Golden Globes twice and was pregnant both times. I was able to have my dresses altered to fit around my HUGE belly. This for me is always the most glamourous of events and a really good time. The stars are relaxed and mingling - as always, looking their best.

This year it was pouring down with rain but that didn't stop some of these stars from looking perfect.

I loved Olivia Wilde's Gucci dress, it sparkled in all the right places, it fit well and was simply gorgeous. Drew Barrymore wore a different but still fantastic Versace gown. I do think the hip part of the dress was a bit much but it was daring. Rose Byrne wore the best purple gown of the night dressed in Lanvin. The color was not too much and complemented her skin tone. Well done Rose!

Christina Aguilera 'Rock & Rolled' it up in an elegant way in Versace. Diane Kruger pulled off her pink gown although some scoffed at it and put it on the worst dressed list...I loved the workmanship and the neckline.

Now the absolute WORST had to be Julia Roberts' dress. It looked like she was headed for a luncheon and not an awards ceremony. Very underdressed. Mariah Carey in Herve Leger was nothing but tits and looking like some kind of call girl. TACKY....

Mickey Rourke was all over the place with his outfit and his date didn't help any!

Anna Paquin was glitter galore to the point of drag queen with her gold gown. I loved the purple color of Sandra Bullock's Bottega Veneta gown but the fabric made it look cheap and ill fitting.

Over all I think the stars looked great and there were so many fashion hits I am sure that you will be able to buy some version of what you saw on the red carpet within a few months. They do their best to duplicate the styles that the stars wore so you can make your own entrance to upcoming events without the thousand dollar price tags.

Let me know in the forum what your favorite looks were this year!

Distortion

I was on my usual Southwest flight back to LA and there happened to be a People Magazine laying around so I gave it a look. It had a 23 year old woman from the TV show 'The Hills' on it. Heidi Montag I think her name was. I have never seen the show and don't really know that much about her or the show itself but was I horrified by what I was reading.

It seems the young woman has had 10 plastic surgeries in ONE DAY and was recovering, hidden away, for 6 weeks. Now I am not against plastic surgery, in fact it's the total opposite, I think it's a great thing to help people look their best. BUT COME ON!

She is 23 and the procedures she had were just downright silly.

When asked why she had all these procedures done she said she was teased and felt like the frumpy sidekick. She would read things on the internet by strangers and it was upsetting to her.

Then in another question they asked "Are you worried what your family, friends and fans will think". She answered "I don't care what anyone thinks about me and what I do".

HMMMMMMM.... this coming from a girl who just got all this shit done to herself because of what strangers thought about her on the internet? I think she DOES care and that's why she did it. I mean she said it herself. I'm not saying that she looks bad but she went on to say she wants her DDD tits enlarged next. I guess this decision came from the fact that while doing a playboy photo shoot the bra she was given was a bit too large and the publication had to airbrush in her boobs...

Wouldn't it have been easier and cheaper to just get a bra that fits her as opposed to enlarging her already HUGE tits?

What really enrages me is the fact that the Doctor performing all this bullshit thinks that it's fine to hack up a young girl with all these procedures while not suggesting she get help for her obvious body image disorder.

In her quest for perfection she has had lipo everywhere, butt implants, a brow lift, a nose job, her cheeks done, lips done and I don't even remember what else. Now I have had a few of these procedures but I am also pushing 40 not 23 and rail thin!

She admits to being addicted to plastic surgery and I am just astounded at the fact that no one is offering her any mental help before she mutilates and distorts herself like the Cat Lady that went overboard years ago and looks like a freak now. I hope that at some point she realizes that all these woman you see in the magazines will never be perfect as It's all airbrushing and Photoshop. I'm sure she is aware of this fact being that they most likely did a shit load of it for the magazine in which she graces the cover.

NO ONE LOOKS THAT FLAWLESS and no one ever will. Even Angie Jolie gets airbrushed and Photoshopped. At 23 you should be learning who you are and enjoying life, not thinking up new ways to cut yourself up and bringing in photos of stars and picking what features you want here and there.

Besides, you have all of your 40's to do that ;)

I like most of my lumps and imperfections, but a little botox at my age is also a bit necessary. Having plastic surgery is a big decision and one that should be considered with a Doctor not looking to make a quick buck and suggest ridiculous unnecessary procedures.

I hope that she gets the support that she needs and is able to see the beauty in being IMPERFECT. I prefer this picture of her before all the crap she had done.

She had a natural beauty that has now been unfortunately carved away.

Top Ten Songs

There are songs you are infatuated with, listening to them on repeat until you hate them as much as you were previously obsessed.

There are songs you kind of like because everyone else does and it is a fad. I'm sort of hoping this is the case with Lady Gaga (even though I admit her stuff is catchy).

There are plenty of songs you instantly hate or have no use for.

Then there are those songs. You know, the ones you hear and your pulse quickens, your ears immediately tune in-and you are hooked. For life.

These songs grab you instantly and continue to make you love them each and every time you listen.

Some of them are associated with a particular memory, some are just musically great, and others speak to you in a way that only music and lyrics can.

These are my Top Ten (in no particular order).

1. "Tiny Dancer," Elton John
Everytime I hear this I want to go for a drive along the beach with the windows down. Fell even more in love with this song after watching the classic bus scene from "Almost Famous."

2. "My Girl," The Temptations
My all-time favorite Motown song that I've loved since I can remember listening to music.

3. "I Got You Babe," Sonny and Cher
Ok, I know most people either love it or hate it, but this one is a keeper for me. The beat is catchy, the lyrics are sweet, and somehow I have a strong positive association with my family whenever I hear it.

4. "In My Life," The Beatles
Beautifully poignant lyrics with soothing music.

5. "We Build," Nicole Nordeman
Beautifully written metaphor comparing marriage to building a house. The song played at my wedding.

6. "Night Moves," Bob Seger
My husband introduced me to this one when I first flew out to California to visit him after he had moved here. I get all giddy when I hear it come on over the speakers.

7. "Hallelujah," Jeff Buckley
Quite possibly one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard.

8. "When the Levee Breaks," Led Zeppelin
How bout that? American blues done better by a British band! Everytime I hear this I have this weird craving to go to Louisiana and eat Cajun food.

9. "Beast of Burden," The Rolling Stones
"Such a pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty girl."

10. "Everything," Michael Buble
The album this is from came out right before my husband and I got married. We both love him, listened to the CD, and decided separately that this was pretty much our song.

Ok, this was hard. So here are 10 more songs that almost made the list.

"Spread Your Love," Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

"Holiday In Spain," Counting Crows

"Stranglehold," Ted Nugent

"Have You Ever Seen the Rain," CCR

"Crazy On You," Heart

"Little Queen," Heart

"Crash Into Me," Dave Matthews Band

"Boston," Augustana

"Hotel California," The Eagles

"Island In The Sun," Weezer

What are yours?

Game On

When I moved to LA a little over a year ago I hated it. The people, the parking, the fact that the friends that I have had for years were not there. It's always hard moving away from your support system and as with most things it took me some time to adjust.

My husband has always worked in LA and flew home for the weekends and sometimes if it was really busy he would go two weeks before coming home. Everyone used to always ask me how I do it. How I am able to be apart for so long. I never thought of it as being hard. I have always been independent and enjoyed my space and he always likes the time and freedom to work without being bothered by me and my bullshit here and there so it worked out. I also had my friends and my brother.

This is a group of guys and a couple of trustworthy girls that I have known for some time. Every friday night all the guys would come over and we would have game night. We mostly played Risk or Scrabble sometimes - when we got tired of strategy type things. It was good fun and always a laugh. Sometimes the wives would come and chit chat while we played and it was something we did for years.

If there is one thing that I miss it's Friday night game night.

My brother decided since I was in LA now that he would hook up my X-Box 360 so that I could go live and play online with everyone. I suck at video games but if that was a way to get Friday game night back, well then I would have to learn.

I must say it's pretty damn fun, not as fun as being in person and taking over the world with my friend Peez as a covert alliance but fun none the less.

One of the benefits I found from this is that I can play it with my kids now and they think they have the coolest mother ever - that I play games with them that they enjoy. I can't say I'm any good but the fact that I play is enough for them.

If you have never played a video game, give it a go. It takes some getting used to but it's not at all that difficult and the Wii is a blast. Even though I live in a different State now I still found a way, thanks to my brother, to make the best of it and fill in a fraction of what it was I missed the most about home.

That in turn made me able to look at the good things about LA and settle in to my new surroundings.

Technotard

Okay... so I admit... you know those guys that are into technical gadgets... the blue ray, DVD, theatre/surround sound, blue tooth, IPod loving, techno geeks, who like the newest software, fastest computers, coolest cell phones, and hottest car stereos? Yeah... I’m one of them except... I’m a she. My brother in law and I often like to compare techno crap, much to the dismay and confusion of other family members. Technology, or rather the fascination with it, is in my blood. I simply cannot help myself. I love it, and am enamoured by merely the challenge of figuring the newest releases of most technology! I am sharing this with you, not because I expect you to care, but rather because it may help you understand why this blog is so very painful to me.

Okay... so I have three kids - now, kids is a relative term because are all, in fact, old enough to be and presently are in University. Between the 5 of us in the house, we have 7 functional laptops, and one desktop, that's presently waiting for a new flat screen. We have 7 TVs, assorted DVDs, video recorders, cable boxes, Xboxes, PS2s and wiis... My children all have cells, iPods, Nintendo DS' and some - my daughter and youngest son - have iPhones (me too but that goes without saying).

I will simply skip over the fact both boys are awesome when it comes to getting viruses, nuking hard drives, and blowing motherboards (still not quite sure how that one happened) In fact the youngest has actually gone through three laptops in the last year and a half... one of which was brand new, the other a hand me down, and the third a swap, with his brother who preferred my older but smaller HP. Then there was the one I had to have then entire screen replaced on... Yeah... we’ll just skip over that, and the fact that I actually have a computer tech on retainer!

I am not sure how it is possible, but each of my children has over the last 2 years gone through thousands of dollars worth of technology... there have been the 5 stolen, injured, and lost iPods (the youngest - seems is quite allergic to responsibility, and technology) 3 lost and murdered iPods (middle child), and 2 overused to the point of death IPods (oldest and most responsible child - though I think one of them actually died a catastrophic death at the hands of the washing machine but I can't be sure)... I swear at this point I OWN SHARES IN APPLE! They have also gone through about 10 phones between them - not the least of which is my son's much maligned IPHONE!

Now my youngest's iPhone was a Christmas gift almost exactly twelve months ago. He had it 2 months when somehow it managed to go missing. When it did turn up (a cab driver found it in the parking lot of the grocery store beside his school) it had a smashed faceplate. Repair cost? $140. Fixed it - gave it back to him less than a week later... the face plate was smashed again... I told him he would have to wait and pay to fix it himself. He did - I mean he waited but never fixed it. We went away to the cottage before I left for LA this past August, he goes out in a boat with his friends, comes back, and borrows my phone to call his girlfriend – I ask him why (I have mom radar about these things... Really - I mean my mom antennae start gyrating at the speed of light and I go hmmm... something’s up!)- Anyway, the child said his was out of batteries - NOT!! I later discover it actually went for a swim in the lake and was for all intents and purposes... DEAD!

When I go to LA I usually bring along a junkie unlocked phone. I had purchased two for my trip. When I came home from the cottage - I gave him one to use as I was certainly NOT getting him another expensive phone. Now this particular phone was caveman technology, compared to what we are used to now but it did the trick. It called and texted and actually saved an amazing amount of money on the phone bill, because it wasn't internet enabled.

Now I am an optimistic person... really I am. I know that sometimes iPhones can be revived. See I have done this before. My son's very clean (I used tide) and well laundered IPod, miraculously came back to life after 2 weeks drying on a heating vent. So I took the phone put it over an out of the way air vent and left it. Every once in a while I would go and check it... NOTHING... not surprising, but I was hopeful. Went to LA, and came back to a whining son... "THIS PHONE SUCKS!" Yeah but it was only $35 dollars so I'm happy... go ahead kill it! Amazingly, he didn't - perhaps because it wasn't worth hundreds of dollars? Maybe he’s not allergic to the cheap ones? Not sure...

However, I couldn't in good conscience let him head off to an out of town university with a sketchy phone. SO, I gave him my daughter’s very nice, NOT CHEAP Samsung Jack - it is very much like a blackberry (we've owned 3 of those), or HTC (we've owned 2 of those). Now this phone was a great phone and less than 6 months old. I gave him that, give my daughter my IPHONE because tech whore that I am... I had bought myself a 32 gig iPhone. Anyway, 2 days into school I get a text from his girlfriend’s phone... David's the JACK is not charging... Are you F'ing kidding me? I mean seriously. It worked fine when the daughter gave it to him 48 hours earlier... what the HELL went wrong?

I email the child instructions, urls to download the computer software for it, hoping for a solution... One week later I cave and Fedex him a BRAND NEW $400 LG slider. After sorting out sim card issues and what not, the child's phone is working and we have communication. 24 hours later I am doing house work. I pick up his iPhone - still on the vent - and give a heavy sigh. It has been six weeks... its dead... should I throw it out? Or sell it for parts on EBAY... Not sure why, but I plugged it in and went to shower. Come back downstairs and am grabbing stuff to go out and surprise... It’s come back to life. I rejoice! My phone company has a plan whereby I can return a phone up to 14 days after purchase. So... iPhone is working LG is going back! I call him. Tell him the news. Tell him a friend is going up to his school, I will send him his iPhone he's to give her the LG. (and yes dammit I did pay to fix the broken screen - AGAIN) iPhone goes to London, new phone does not make the trip back - she dropped off the iPhone but couldn't pick up the LG. At this point I can no longer return it anyway, so I suck it up and think - I'll leave him the extra phone just in case... Just in case happened a week and a half later. At a party his girlfriend's purse was rifled through and his phone was stolen...

NOW I WAS PISSED (it takes a lot to get me to that point but... I had earned it.) First, I flipped out - then prayed that it wasn't the IPhone... Thankfully, it wasn't ... he had put the iPhone away for safe keeping and had brought the LG with him. YEAH! But I didn't get off too easily because we still had to replace a $35 sim card and let’s not forget the $400 I laid out originally for the LG, but at least we still had communication again.

So Canadian Thanksgiving rolls around and the child comes home. He has been gone a month and is on his 3rd, but original phone - the iPhone. Things seem to be going swimmingly in the technology department (except that one of the two laptops he brought with him is misbehaving and is off to the shop, but that is a mere blip in my technological life when you take into consideration the PHONE issues we've had) Thanksgiving morning we are sitting together and I ask to borrow his phone, he refuses saying it is charging... I roll my eyes and ignore the alarm bells going off in my head and the antennae that are gyrating like a stripper on a stage and go get mine. On the way back from somewhere that evening, I ask him again for his phone - again he refuses. He is charging it in the back seat and I turn to look at him my eyes falling on the phone, and sure enough the screen is broken...

He goes back school - with the broken phone. Christmas he comes home lugging, one virus crashed laptop, one laptop with a faulty screen, (cost $220) one completely nuked Ipod which is going to the apple doctor this week, and the still broken phone. For Christmas he gets his own portable HD and a flipcam. He takes my 3 month old external HD downstairs and 24 hours later when it comes back up from hanging out with him... IT'S NOT WORKING... like what the hell? I mean seriously... I think he causes this stuff to have a nervous breakdown when he walks in the room.

My laptop went into hiding until he headed back Monday...

We are taking bets on how long the flipcam and his external will last...

Generation Lazy

I am so tired of people whining about how tired they are or how they have to work on a holiday. At what point will people realize a job is a JOB. If I have to hear one more time that a 20 something year old is tired from working I think I may puke. Look, you are complaining to the wrong girl...

Let's see what Jennifer and Anthony were doing in their 20's? Well let me tell you, WORKING OUR ASSES OFF! Yep, I remember having to hold down 2, sometimes 3 jobs and one was always a food type deal so I could eat for free. As for Anthony, well he was working as a bellman, lugging cheap ass people's bags at the Mirage, while also getting in to the Map Advertising Program at the same hotel.

Talk about tired. I have no tolerance for tired when you have a pretty cushy job like the one in the Zuiker household.

I have never understood how people can complain about having to work. Most people don't like their jobs or their bosses. Some people even hate their job. I know I never liked slinging drinks to assholes who would drink too much and then think the 2 dollar tip they gave me entitled them to cop a feel but I had to pay my bills and If you're not in a professional type business like a lawyer, doctor or so on, you are most likely just going to have to come to terms with the fact that you will most likely be working most of your life. If you hate your job so much then YOU, and only YOU, have the power to find something you actually do like...

I liked being a waitress because it gave me the freedom to work anywhere in the world and I prefer living on tips. I like the fast cash and overcharging drunks. That was my gig and although it was a pain in the ass, sometimes it was an easy job to get.

Anthony and I were raised in Vegas and taught to hustle to make a buck, so I am no stranger to hard work and long hours. I can only pray that my kids will be taught the same way. Anthony and I have come a long way but the one thing that remains is that we know what it is to work for a living.

NOTHING was given to us and thank god for that. If it was to all go away tomorrow I know damn well I could go out and get a job and bring some money in and so could he.

So to all the young kids out there, work your ass off and work toward what it is that will make you enjoy going to work. IT WILL PAY OFF at some point and if it never does, well at least you can spare everyone else from listening to your bullshit about how tired you are or that you hate your job.

This may just be a rude rant but it does have a mild point.

ZoooIlda

Today we lost a good friend and faithful companion. 12 Years ago I walked in to a Las Vegas pet store and there, in a little cage, was the cutest English bulldog I had ever seen. She was really expensive but I felt really bad having her sit in that little cage and to top it off she seemed to have kennel cough.

I went home and told my fiancee (now husband) about the cutest dog I had ever seen and how sweet looking she was but I knew we couldn't afford the heavy price tag. Anthony told me that we couldn't afford it and that we didn't need another dog as we only live in a apartment...

The next day my husband, curious about this dog, spent most of the night talking about it and then he came to my work and gave me permission and a credit card to go buy her. We named her Matilda or as he called her (Zoo from planet Ilda) - don't ask.

Anyway we got married and then started our family by having kids. She was always a great dog around the kids and they could sit on her, pull her ears and she would never so much as make a fuss. She was a great loving dog and although she could gas you out of the room she was comical to watch.

Around 2 and 1/2 years ago I got a new Mastiff puppy and as she grew she wanted to dominate the pack as the strong female and got into a rather brutal battle with Matilda, doing a great deal of damage to her right leg. I thought I would have to put her to sleep right then and there but she managed to pull through like a champ with a wag in her tail. After about 2 months of rehab my good friend offered to give Matilda a home at his house and give her a peaceful place to live out her golden years. She was spoiled with him and as her hips started to go, Sam got her a red wagon so that she could still go on the family walks.

When I got the call from him letting me know it was time to put her down I was happy that he was there to take her. He told me that he was going to make her a nice cheesburger and give her a warm bath before taking her to the Vet to have her put down. She had been unable to walk for weeks and was in a lot of pain and nothing was really helping anymore.

We then decided to have her remains split and placed in an urn, one for each of us. I do believe that she had a happy life with both my family and his. She was a hell of a dog and we will all be left with great memories.

She was loved.

500 minutes of Jennifer

This Christmas, Jennifer and I decided to take the kids to Jackson Hole, Wyoming for a week of skiing and fun in the snow. Like all vacations, your mind has a way of playing out the fun filled scenario and talking you into a "Yes. Go to Jackson Hole with the kids and the nanny and the dog. Go 'head. It'll be a blast."

After all, Jenn asked me in the summer which made the decision easy. "Six months from now...the snow...sure. Good idea, Jenn."

CUT TO -- 4 a.m.

A few days after Christmas, we wake up the kids, grab the dog, wake up the nanny, and pack the car to go to LAX. At this point, I turn off emotionally because I know that 'Day One' is going to be a disaster. I was spot on. At 4 a.m., the van that was supposed to pick us up was actually a SUV. We have six passengers (three adults, three children, and a dog). Yes, common sense would dictate that we would have a lot of luggage when going to the snow. Jennifer took one look at the car and gave the driver a piece of her mind. This guy, by some grace of God, managed to Tetris 15 pieces of luggage in the SUV.

Our pocket dog, Becca, gets car sick so Jennifer had the bright idea not to feed her that morning because she throws up from motion sickness. So, Jennifer let her out back where she proceeded to eat our other dogs shit...

This proved pungent when Becca tried to give Jennifer a "shit kiss" on her lips. Jenn, jerking her head back, said "Becca, did you eat shit?". Dogs can't talk, but I'd like to answer for her. "Yes." Now, we have a motion sickness dog with dog shit in her belly for a drive to LAX in a crammed SUV with the heat turned up. I don't think we even got to the 405 when I heard a cough barf. A "cough barf" is when a dog hurls a meatball of shit out it's mouth.

In an instant, the entire SUV smelled like barf and shit. Thick heavy smell, too. The driver turned green. I cracked a window. So did he. My nose was buried in my to-go coffee mug. Jennifer was busy cleaning up the barf shit out of the dog carrier. The kids were dry heaving. I looked calmly over to the driver and said, "I bet you'll be glad to get rid of the fucking Zuiker's". He didn't respond, but I know what he was thinking.

We managed to board the flight to Salt Lake City when all of the sudden the flight attendant in First Class knelt down next to me and said, "We need to talk." I'm thinking the kids got out of line. Or... my wife popped off to someone. Or... the dog is a problem. She says to me, "You're shirt says 'You're all whores.'" I'm like, "Yeah... it's a shirt. And...". She says, "Normally, we would ask you to deboard because that's offensive." So much for Free Speech. Don't even get me started on that one.

Two planes later, we end up in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. We check in to the hotel, find out there's no kid's camp, and our suite was given to someone else. At this point, I want to go home and work on my script.

Fuck the vacation.

After fighting with the travel agent, the front desk, and counting to "10" with our children, Jenn and I finally sat down for a meal. She ordered a cocktail. I ordered a whole bottle of wine (for me). And shared a private laugh... our marriage in a nutshell.

Violent, hilarious, and occasionally "full of shit."

Lady My Butt

Christmas week was far from being an easy going week. I finished up decorating my son's new room. He's 2 and wanted a classic Star Wars theme - I must say it was a huge hit. I also managed to organize lots of things and had a good meeting with all the employees to keep the house running on track for Christmas.

SO, Tuesday night rolls around and my husband, son and I have tickets to the Lady GaGa concert. My eldest son has been singing her songs for months and my husband enjoys her as well. We get all dressed up and hire a car to take us to the show. I was excited to see the opening act Kid Kudi but soon discovered she had kicked him off the tour - was a little bummed about that.

I walk my hubby and kid to their seats, 3rd row, and then myself and a friend went to our seats...40th or some odd row. The opening band comes on and I knew from the first song this was a train wreck. They were called Semi Precious Weapons and they SUCKED worse than you could ever imagine. The singer was an over the top gay with the worst mouth ever. He used the 'F-word' more times than I can count and danced around like a fool. My son looked at me and said "Who is this?" I told him just some sucky band and it would be fine but I must say I looked around and saw a lot of kids there were all dressed up like Lady GaGa herself and looking perplexed at the spectacle that was the opening band.

We decided to skip out on the band and go people watch in the lobby until they were off stage. About an hour or so later we all got settled back in our seats and finally, around 9.45pm, Lady GaGa takes the stage. She sounded good and as you would expect the costumes were a little over the top. Then, after a couple of songs, it started...

If she wasn't saying "Free Bitch!" every 5 seconds, it was "Get out your dicks!" and "Do you FUCKING LOVE ME?" or "Do you want to FUCK ME?!"...and so on. I WAS APPALLED at the fact that this dumb ass (whatever IT is) could not even have the decency to realize her audience. As a performer you have a certain responsibility to the public as a whole and that includes kids. I was really uncomfortable watching it and I was an adult. I saw a ton of mothers with their kids and faces that just didn't get why or what she was talking about. I know she has a gimmick with this "My little monsters" thing but give it a rest already.

I can just hope that she evolves a bit past the 2am gay nightclub performance and puts a bit of talent and class in her show. I know she is new to the whole fame thing so I hope she just takes a lesson about her audience and cleans it up a bit. I do think she is talented and hope she sees that corn holing herself in to this, "whatever it is", is maybe not the best play and will most likely not have longevity.

At the end of the night I asked my kid if he liked the show and he said it was okay but he didn't know what she was doing up there...

"Does she think it is cool to cuss like that?" he asked. I replied "Hmmmm, maybe she does but it's not".

I give the concert a D...for distaste.